Its time to talk about the ultimate asshole in my life. 

its kind of sad because he was a great friend to me once. really, he made me feel like i really had someone special in him. just someone i could tell anything to. it was an interesting transition from my first real boyfriend to this real life tragic love story that took no prisoners. 

by great friend i mean ive known him since i was 12. we were always in the same group of friends but we were never really friends. not until after high school when one of his more serious girl-friends dumped him. hard. in fact, the reason i started this blog was in response to something his ex wrote about him. 

he needed me. i was there. i dont know exactly what drew him to me but we talked all through the nights and hung out all the time. i was a band aid in his time of need. for about a year we were best friends.

He introduced ecstacy to me. he told me he started taking it and i told him to be careful. i didnt think it was safe. then he said i should take it, that we should take it together some night. i wasnt sure, but being the pleaser that i am i wanted to make him…as happy as i could as his friend. he was going through something so rough and i wanted to be there for him. i did research on the drug, found that it was pretty safe and decided to do it. 

i trusted him with my safety.

a few nights later he and i hung out with a mutual friend. he had brought the drugs for just the two of us, our mutual buddy (who didnt and still doesnt like him til this day) was there to make sure i didnt die from the stuff (lol). that night was amazing. it took a while for it to hit me but when it did it was amazing. this was the song we listened to. it blew my mind. and now everytime i hear it all i can think about is him

the first time  i ever took e i remember feeling happy. finally happy. i was elated and could do/say/move how i wanted. i had no insecurities…i felt..sexy it was something unfamiliar.

Before we took it he warned me about what i was going to feel. how i was going to react. he told me that i needed to be sure to say and do exactly what i wanted and thought i wanted because if i didnt then i would think about it the entire night and spiral ending my high.

that almost happened because… about 2 hours in i wanted to kiss him. so badly. he had asked me if it was hitting me. he started to rub my hands and massage my legs. we chatted about deep things; life, love, family. then he put his hands in my hair for a head massage and all of a sudden i wanted him. badly. i got up, paced, freaked out at the thoughts of wanting his lips on mine, wondering what he would taste like. 

he tried to talk me down. told me it was normal to have those feelings towards him. it was the drug nothing else (even though he had previously told me that the drug doesnt create feelings, it enhances them. so i must have been attracted to him previously…i just never acted on it). he asked me what i wanted and told me to just say it.

“dont…dont say no ok? i know it sounds weird”

“what? what do you want”

“i need you to kiss me. is that to weird? sounds like it might be too weird”

“come here. just calm down and come here”

see, i was pacing all over the place. just…nervous that he was going to reject me and ruin my happytimes. i came over to him and crawled between his legs and looked him in his eyes.

“just calm down” he said before he looked at my lips and started to inch towards me. i put my hand on his neck and when i saw him gasp..i bit my lip. he saw that and our lips just collided into each other. 

it was all asses and elbows after that. i mean not really we didnt venture much further passed the making out/groping point. it got a bit too heated and i stopped. i had gotten all i needed. the night continued on. we kissed, talked, kissed more, groped a bit, kissed, teased each other with massages and whatever and then the drug wore off and he left.

i felt mortified. ok not exactly…i just idk what it was. i didnt want him to think that i had like, fallen in love with him or something. i was freaked out.

so we didnt talk for like 3 days after that. eventually i answered his calls and texts and we were back to normal. the next time we did the drug i was more calm and willing to just relax and have fun. thats when he started to say things to me. we would be rolling and listening to music. talking, but there were points in the night that i couldnt talk..i was doing more of a moaning squirming action and that was something he enjoyed watching i guess. lol i never noticed. anyway he started saying things to me…things that i ignored then like how attracted to me he was, how kissing me was something he had dreamt about, how badly he wanted me. 

things that never made a lick of sense. i wasnt even close to his type. he was too hot for me. i just assumed it was the drug. we would make out but nothing more happened and he would be frustrated every time. i took it as a greenlight to tease him more and more. 

we did this for a while. we were great friends during the day and, on occasion, drug buddies at night, until of course he got a girlfriend and decided not to hang out, return texts or calls, just desert me.  

the last time this happened was a couple years ago.  i moved into my new place and we were just so comfortable. rolling, chatting, enjoying each others company and then things got a bit more heated. it had been a while since we saw each other and things got very physical very quickly. he ended up saying we should have sex and i denied him, already in a compromising position. he said something rude and we just let those chips fall. 

every time we hung out after that he wanted to be intoxicated and got handsy. it was just…disrespectful from then on. we havent been the same.

he was always spotty though. i let him borrow money that he would later never return. he skipped out on events and always flaked on me.  all and all he was never a really dependable and yet i was just…ok with that. 

i felt like i was his only good friend and i wanted to be that for him. so silly of me. i ended up getting really hurt but no regrets. i learned a lot about who i am from him.

thanks buddy.  

prettycolors:

#e48bff

so much yes.

that moment when you realize there just isnt enough ice cream on your blog.

(Source: waittaeminute, via hussy-glamour)

(via eternal-l0ve)

its time to chat about insecurities.

i know i know, im opening up a lot today. i find that when i have a song/subject in mind i need to write about it or ill forget said song and or subject and will proceed to kick myself later.

moving on…

i am not completely sure if you noticed but i am a fat chick.

yeah, i know *gasp*. i was shocked when i found out too. i know every single girl has insecurities because of society or mothers or some other bullshit. but being fat is the worst of the worst. women like me are practically demonized. i cant explain how many guys approach me on the sly, talk to me on the dl, or are after me as a fetish. its just UGH. it just leads in to the way i am today.

my mom told me that i was getting big when i was young.  so i was raised with horrible self esteem. always thinking that there was something wrong with me. i probably would have been able to pull myself out of it had i known what it was about me that made me so…different. i didnt understand and instead of trying to teach me my mother just told me i couldnt eat.

so i starved myself. a lot. i didnt eat in front of people. instead i snuck into the kitchen at night and actually let myself eat for that one time a day. it is a difficult habit to break, feeling like not eating is the answer to my problems.

oh, right, i was also taught that all of my problems came down to my weight. like if i was to lose this weight all of my problems would magically disappear. lord, so fucking untrue.

i had to learn at an early age that i was undesirable.  that is literally how it began. i was never enough. my mom always pointed out my flaws, as did kids at school that i eventually started beating up (mostly boys and mostly in self defense). i was basically spending my teen years not even thinking about boys because i knew i was never….what they would want…

in fact when i got my first boyfriend, middle school, he dated me to get to two of my best friends that he also dated. he gave me my first kiss and grope sesh…and well when he dumped me for my best friend, and she dated him without a second glance my direction, i thought it was normal because i didnt understand why he would like me anyway. in my mind the fact that he moved on to a hotter girl just made sense. my feelings didnt matter.

and that made all the sense in the world. still does in a way.

My insecurities definitely fuck me up. there are ways in which i actually feel caged. like i cant say certain things or really be myself because well, thats not how fat girls act. i cant be goofy and constantly funny or act overly…silly because then ill never be taken seriously. i am a butt of a joke just waiting to happen so i make sure i keep things…serious with a funny twist. i had to make sure i was quick witted to everyones jokes so that if someone made fun of me…id make them sorry. 

preemptive strikes were even made at times because i just had to establish that i was not to be fucked with. when i beat up boys it was the same thing. make fun of me and get kicked in the balls. your choice.

i established a sense of self in my fatness. i needed to be funny, sarcastic, smart, and cultured to hide the fat part. though there was no way i could ever really hide it. 

The worst part had to be how i was treated by guys i would eventually come to like. I had/have a ton of guy friends. and i will always ALWAYS be pushed aside for someone else. no matter what. i am, seemingly because of my pudgyness, a backup girlfriend. oh it doesnt do anything for me…im just the girl they spend hours talking to, the one they take their problems to, the one that helps them out of jams, and then when they find a girlfriend or someone interesting in that arena im the one they dump off the “i need you” boat.  

without fail my best guy friends have dumped me. its just a thing. i dont even know what to do about it. i just let it happen. it hurts but it makes sense. of course. 

when my second boyfriend showed interest in me…i couldnt exactly understand why he liked me. i didnt get it. he was hot. had a great body, girls wanted him, and he wanted me for some reason. it made no sense. 

and the way he treated me, badly, made sense. idk we broke up constantly and eventually he realized that i was something worth keeping, but by that time i was bent. he broke me later or maybe i was broken already. who  knows. i know that i let my insecurities get the best of me and i feel like i always will. 

its a problem that im working on but its hard. i know ill never be the girl that guys really want. at least thats how it feels. i cant seem to imagine that id be someone  a guy didnt just settle for.  

thats just…something ill be dealing with constantly. i am sure this attitude or vibe is something others pick up so it doesnt help me with people, but i cant seem to shake it. 

this issue will most likely be discussed over more than one blog post because…its the basis of who i am essentially

I’m standing on a stage
Of fear and self-doubt
It’s a hollow play
But they’ll clap anyway

Hello moon

yep.

(via justgirlythings)

i used to do this. i loved waking up in the middle of the night seeing tiny lights. 

thats it im doing this again.  

(via littlereasonstosmile)

furples:

(by Shjon Dyn)

and she saw the eye of god

in the rosebud of that storm

but it never even mattered;

she wouldnt dare leave.

the fear excited her curious being 

so she placed her fragile heart 

at the end of her tattered sleeve. 

as i mentioned earlier i hate feeling vulnerable. 

i try to steel myself against what is natural and inherently human; feelings.

why?

because i am scared of getting hurt. i know i know im not alone in this and i need to feel this pain and get used to it because there is no way for me to NOT get hurt in life. the people i love or begin to care about WILL no doubt let me down, make me cry, and continuously pull the rug out from under me. With my upbringing you think i would know that. and i do.

there is a part of me that understands pain to a deep extent. i see it, i feel it, i understand it and im used to it. but when i meet someone new, exciting, bright and shiny, i just wonder if maybe this time… its my chance to not get brutally shredded. 

i am usually wrong.

i think the worst thing about how i get hurt is that it only happens after i let people in. so as a preemptive strike, i let no one in. when i finally let someone in im sensitive and different towards them. its lame. i mean its not lame, but it is.

sometimes i go so long without liking someone that i feel like i cant even feel things for people anymore. then i conduct an experiment to sort of…feel anything. usually it ends up hurting me.

i know i know, i hate that and why would i put myself through that! because sometimes pain is better than feeling numb. yknow when a limb goes tired and numb you panic for 3.7 seconds and then you feel the tingly pain of blood rushing back into your limb and relief sets in? yeah that shit hurts but youre like “thank the fucking lord im not paralyzed” even if there was no real danger of becoming paralyzed in the first place? 

yeah its like that.

so in a sense i continuously hurt myself. this song..its all about that. about realizing that you let yourself down, that you have control of your feelings and your body and yet, you continuously put yourself in situations that you end up hurting yourself or others in.

yep. that is a cornerstone of my life. either i am open to others, to my detriment, or i am closed to others, to my detriment.

I hurt myself today to see if i still feel…i focus on the pain, the only thing thats real. 

ok im going to talk about my slight addiction to feeling everything at once. 

I am very all or nothing. i love the rush of being hopelessly attached to another and then feeling nothing at all for them the very next day. there is something beautiful about the manipulation of love and love-like feelings.

you can make someone feel like you are all they would ever need and then never call them again. its a terrible thing to do, but in the end everyone just wants to feel wanted. I want to feel wanted..

Ecstasy is an amazing drug. i do the purest form every once in a while and it lets me feel everything i tell myself not to. i am at risk of saying those three little words to anyone in the vicinity. i just cant hold anything back when im on it, which is great because i spend my time holding back so much. i dont know whats worse holding back so much or knowing that holding back is keeping me alone. but i cant seem to let anyone in. 

most people do E at raves and parties. not me. i do it in an intimate setting with someone i trust enough to not take complete advantage of me. then i just chill. i relax. my mind stops moving so fast. i stop thinking about yesterday or how ill feel tomorrow. i stop worrying about all of my problems and the people that could care less. for a few hours

i just am.

its like a fucking gift in a capsule. i can be honest and intimate. i am an open book for the reading and whoever is there to take me, well, maybe hes lucky. the next day i will retreat back into myself. but, for a second there, nothing but us matters. 

it makes everything around you touch back. thats the most amazing feeling. its like finally the world is touching you physically, emotionally,  lustily. everything wants you and you want everything. of course youre aroused by that feeling. maybe youre in love with that feeling. 

at least youre feeling.

people ask me why i do it. i say it feels good. i never explain that it helps me feel freely. that i can do, say, feel, think, and act however i want with that one person and it fills a specific void that hasnt been touched kindly in years.

without that release i am left feeling like i do most days; like how i feel, no matter how deep or painful, just wont matter. I hate to explain it as a relationship but its a good one.

this song reminds me of it. it reminds me of tragic love that you just cant let go. though drugs represent a friend that introduced me to them, a friend that later went on to feel for and then ditch me (sad but it happens, maybe one day ill tell that story), its like something i still feel like im able to let go of. I dont let go of things easily. i remember everything, am slow to forgive, and i never really make it around to forgetting things. 

but when my guards slip away and E disables my walls, suddenly, everything is forgiven and forgotten and all that is left is love.

its nice to feel that freedom even if it isnt real.

 It’s like you’re screaming, but no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important that without them you feel like nothing… No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless,like nothing can save you…and when its over and it’s gone you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so you could have the good.♥

teehee it tickles

(via littlereasonstosmile)